Truth for Today: Running Away

Discouraging Thought: I want to run away.

Encouraging Truth: "The Lord is the everlasting God. . . . his understanding is unsearchable." - Isaiah 40:28

Loving Instruction: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." - Romans 12:12

Our Reward: "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." - James 1:12

It's been one of those days. You know the kind. The really, really bad ones. The days where you stare blankly at your children eating lunch and wonder what would happen, if anything, if you were to just run. Hop in the car and run. And while you fantasize about driving your empty mini van off into the sunset and never returning, you know you will miss their sticky hugs and wet kisses. But then again, you are so racked with guilt over losing your temper and yelling at them for something as simple as asking a question, maybe you deserve to live a life alone, missing those crazy little people. But you don't run. Instead, you wipe off hands and mouths, you beg your children to go play as you shake out of anger, rage, guilt, and shame while sweeping the crumbs off the floor. As soon as nap time arrives, you collapse onto the floor and check social media, hoping for a notification, a message, an e-mail - anything that shows you still matter to someone, anyone. Nope, no one knows. No one knows how bad your heart hurts, how much you long to be a good wife and mommy, how utterly overwhelming life today has been.

Enter this blog post. My journal. My way of studying scripture. Because surely there is hope and love somewhere. And there is. There is unsearchable understanding in the arms of our Jesus. There is love like we can't explain, forgiveness that we can't comprehend, hope that we are able to grasp.

"Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God"? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." 

- Isaiah 40:27-31

Babies Don't Keep

Dear New Mom,

Today you asked me how I got my babies to fall asleep on their own. They are so good at it that surely I must have sleep trained from the day they were born. You want to know my secret? I held them as much as I wanted. I threw out all books that told me to let my newborn cry themselves to sleep. God gave us these precious gifts, these tiny, dependent lives to care for, to hold, and to cherish. Why has our generation been told it's a bad thing to hold our babies too much? After nine months of being held warm and tight, with your heartbeat as his lullaby, why do you expect him to fall asleep easily without it?

I know I'm not much older than you, but I've had my babies and they all fall asleep on their own now. None of them want snuggles before bed, and I miss it. I ache for that sleepy baby cradled in my arms, wanting and needing nothing but my touch to fall asleep. So New Mom, cherish it. Enjoy those cuddles and snuggles. Take a deep breath of that sweet baby smell and kiss that soft little cheek. I promise you, you won't regret it.

"The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,

for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep."

- Ruth Hamilton

To My Mother-In-Law on Mother's Day

Dear Mother-In-Law,

He's yours. I never thought I'd say that, but it's true. I guess in my young, naive, newlywed mind I thought I loved him more than anyone on the planet. After all, I'm choosing to spend the rest of my life with him, right? I also thought it was kind of silly for you to be so sentimental on our wedding day. Young adults leave home, that's what they do. Natural cycle of life and all. But then something happened. I had a son. And my perspective forever changed. In an instant, I realized that my husband is first, and foremost, your baby boy. Just as I felt my heart almost burst with love the first time I snuggled in my son's warm, sweet body to mine, so yours almost burst decades ago when the wonderful man I know as my husband was born. I now know that you love my husband with a love so strong it hurts. I feel the same ache in my chest when I gaze at this little boy sleeping in my arms. So even though he never stopped being your boy, I can now acknowledge that. I acknowledge that he's not some crazy woman's husband. He's yours. And I thank you. Thank you for letting me take care of your boy, for not saying anything when you see me do things you know he'd want done a different way. Thank you for letting me be such a special part of your boy's, and in turn, your life. Thank you for raising your baby boy into the man he is today. I love you for it.

Love,
Your Daughter-In-Law

Truth for Today

Discouraging Thought: This phase of life will never end.

Encouraging Truth: "For there is a time and a way for everything, although man's trouble lies heavy on him." - Ecclesiastes 8:6  

Loving Instruction: "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God" - I Peter 5:6a

Our Reward: "so that at the proper time he may exalt you. Casting all your cares on him, for he cares for you." - I Peter 5:6b - 7

These days are long ones, these days of caring for lots of little people. Daily, I crawl out of bed to the sound of two toddler girls fighting, my 24 month old banging his head on his bed (WHY does he do this?!?), and my baby yelling and/or cooing, drenched in his own urine and slobber, all of them wanting to be changed and fed. I shuffle out of bed, trying to make sure I'm modest enough to meet my toddlers for the day so as to avoid those awkward questions about my now extremely saggy body. Survival is the name of the game as I change diapers and clothes, empty the potty chair, fill sippy cups and bottle, and pull out pop-tarts, crackers, or donuts for breakfast. Survival is the name of the game as I break up fights, find lost toys, kiss boo-boos, discipline and then comfort repeatedly. Surviving is having to decide whether to fold laundry or read a book to whiny children. It is microwaving hot dogs or making mac and cheese from that magical blue box for lunch. It's knowing that we're almost to nap time as I yell "stop throwing your food on the floor and eat it" for the tenth time in nine seconds while trying to feed baby a bottle with one arm. It's making it to nap time and melting into a pool of tears because I feel like the world is caving in around me, that I'm the only mother ever to struggle, the only one to almost give up caring about anyone or anything.

Somehow, every day, we make it to nap time, the cycle repeats itself, and we survive until bedtime. Every. Day. Some days are better, some days are worse. Since I am obviously still in the "loving instruction" part of this truth today, I realize I need to humble myself. So today I am admitting I can't do it all by myself. I am admitting that I am overwhelmed emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I am admitting that my post partum depression, which has come and gone in little waves ever since baby's birth, has come back with a vengeance. (Humbling myself tomorrow by calling my OB to discuss hormone issues that are affecting the depression among other things.) I am admitting that I am nothing without my Jesus and it is only by His grace that I make it through each day.

Lessons Learned in 2013

(This post should be more accurately titled as "2013's realizations and things I need to work on in 2014", but I think "lessons learned" sounds a lot better.)

1. Apologize and ask forgiveness from your children. A lot. Every time you yell or react wrongly to a situation. Not only are you getting right with your little people, whom you wronged, but you are giving them an example of how to treat their siblings and friends later on in life. Taking this a step further, during night time prayers with your children, confess your sins to Jesus. This one is definitely humbling, but I think very necessary to show your children how to confess their sins. (This also opens the door - in my case, every night - to share the gospel with your children.)

2. Drop what you're doing for your children. As much as possible. Understanding that while carrying a pot of boiling pasta to the sink or pulling a casserole out of the oven is not an ok time to do this, do it whenever possible. Stop mid-cleaning, folding, cooking, etc. to deal with the little things. Any time you tell your child "just a minute" you are telling them they are not as important as what you're doing. If your children know you will drop what you're doing when they need you, they won't blink when you really do need them to wait patiently. I learned this lesson while cooking supper. My sweet 4 year old had asked me all day to play with her, I kept putting her off, and she finally gave up on asking. She had received the message that she didn't matter. Such a heart breaking lesson for me to learn.

3. Don't brush off boo-boos and hurt feelings, even if you realize the situation isn't that big. I've found that overreacting my sympathies to their overreaction of pain leaves us all in a pile of giggles on the floor. And if they are really hurt, they know that you're going to be there for them. Show your children they can come to you with anything now while they're toddlers and they'll come to your with their big, high school sized boo-boos later.

4. Loved children are happier, more well behaved children. I've found the more selfish I am being (see numbers 2 and 3 - and yes, I now realize they are very similar), the more I prioritize my to do list instead of my children, the more whiny and disobedient my children are.

5. Slow down. Listen to your kids. Involve your kids. Play and snuggle with them a lot more than you think you have time for. In 10 years, they won't want to help make cookies, build towers, or sit in your lap to read books. Enjoy these days, even if you have to enjoy them while still wearing pajamas at 3pm, in a living room covered with toys, blankets, cheerios, and laundry waiting to be folded. Enjoy these days before they're gone.