How to Help

After opening up to friends and other women about post partum depression, I heard the same question over and over. "How do I help someone who is struggling with this?" So I thought I'd share what has, and what would have been helpful, for me. (understanding that everyone is different and it can affect each woman differently, what may help one may not be helpful for everyone)

1. Reach out and ask. A lot of times, friends and family members don't even know that a woman who has given birth can have, or is dealing with, this struggle. Most of us are too embarrassed to admit how we are feeling and thinking. I know I kept my struggle a secret for months from even my closest friends. So ask. Make it a point to ask your friends how they are doing mentally and emotionally a few weeks after they give birth. I run an infant photography business, and ever since my experience with PPD after my second child, I've made it a point to ask this question of the moms of newborns. You would be amazed at how open someone who is struggling will be. I think most of the time, if people ask, people share. We just don't want to blurt out that we're having such issues. And lots of times, just talking about our emotions can stop the normal baby blues into becoming full force PPD.

2. Stop talking about it, and just be there. Yes, this kind of contradicts my first point. But once you know your friend is struggling, realize that she may not want/need to constantly talk about it. After I finally opened up to friends about my issues, I didn't always want to talk about it. I craved a playdate with a mommy friend who, although knowing my problems, would come over and treat me like a normal person.

3. Help. For me, the most helpful things were for a friend to not do things for me, but help me with things. Share your energy. It made me feel more guilty to hear an offer of "let me take your kids for the day", but hearing "I'll bring supper and we can both watch all our kids together" was life saving. I didn't want someone to come clean FOR me, but I more than welcomed someone handing me a broom and saying "you sweep, I'll do dishes". Knowing that someone is willing to help, not just take over, is more encouraging because it gives us hope that one day we'll be able to do these things on our own again.

4. Stop quoting/sending scripture. Scripture is super discouraging coming from others. (sounds awful, I know) For me, I was in the Word daily and that was encouraging, but anytime someone else would send me scripture or ask "Have you been reading your Bible?", it was incredibly discouraging. It came across that I was being preached at, that the person thought I had given up on God, or that they  thought I wasn't doing whatever the scripture was about and made me feel awful. I already knew how bad I was and felt horrible that I couldn't be a better wife, mother, and friend. Constantly receiving scripture was like having someone rub my nose in it. (I realize this gives a sad insight into the world of depression. - Our head knows the right answer but as much as we want to trust and believe and be joyful, our heart just can't.)    

5. Don't expect your actions to fix her problem. Nothing any person can do will fix a friend's PPD. Acting like it will is not helpful at all.

6. Listen. Because no person is the same, what will be helpful for one friend may not be the most helpful for another dealing with these struggles. Be willing to ask "What can I do? Do you want to talk about it or do you just want me to shut up?"

7. Pray, pray, pray. Sometimes, hormones need to be straightened out. Other times, certain vitamin levels need to be corrected or even just time can conquer this battle. Knowing that this is a legitimate struggle and not "just in her head", pray for God to heal her body and soul. Let your friend know you are praying for her. It is such an encouraging truth to hear!

Answers

It has been a very long, very hard, 18 months. 18 months since I delivered my last baby and felt the weight of post partum depression descend and take root in the very core of who I am. Never before have I felt so unlike myself, even been scared of myself, truly realizing what my mind is capable of. There was a point last year when I read a story on the news about a mom who had driven her van, with her children inside, into the ocean. I saw all the nasty, judgmental comments on social media, the sharing of articles along with posts of "How could she do this?" and I wept. I wept because I was so close to being that woman. In the darkest days, I had driven around aimlessly with all the children in my van, just to get out of my house, and longed for a way to end it all. I wept because I understood. I wept because I knew the hurt, confusion, frustration, loneliness, and sheer desperation it takes to get to a place where something so tragic is a possibility. A very real possibility. And it is only by the grace of God I am here today, and I praise Him for that!

In answer to friends who have been asking about how things turned around, how I'm doing, etc., I finally have answers! After twelve months of my general practitioner and OB/GYN sending me back and forth to each other (both trying to get me on anti-depressants), trying and not being able to handle multiple anti-depressants, and a multitude of homeopathic alternatives attempted, I insisted on having blood drawn and every test possible being run. Along with the PPD, I was having countless physical symptoms that proved to me I wasn't crazy, that it wasn't all in my head. Well, I was so relieved when the tests came back with some answers: I had low iron, hyperthyroidism, and also a vitamin D deficiency. The last two are both known to contribute to/cause depression. So I started supplements and a round of prescription vitamin D and within four weeks, the depression was gone! I was, however, still struggling with all of my physical symptoms (hair loss, ache-y and fatigued, irregular cycles, pains being some of them) and so I kept returning to my doctors. Finally, 18 months after a baby, they were willing to believe there may be something else going on besides hormones trying to return to normal after everything they've been through the last five years. After an ultrasound, I was clinically diagnosed with endometriosis. (To be officially diagnosed, surgery is required which most doctors won't do unless necessary.) Turns out the symptoms of endometriosis lessen when pregnant or breast feeding which would explain why I hadn't been having these physical symptoms for the last 5 years! Unfortunately, there isn't a cure, but at least I have answers now and for that I am very grateful! My doctor now has me on monthly hormones which will hopefully control the symptoms. We still have to decide on how to treat this long term, but I feel so hopeful to know what is going on with my body!

I hope and pray that God will use my trial to encourage and help other women who are struggling. This was such a life changing experience and I can only pray that God will use it for good. I still struggle. Every day. Patience is not a strength of mine and with four little ones, it's kind of a necessity. But I know I'm not crazy now. I know I'm not alone. I know I serve a God who answers prayers and sees us through trials.

If you are struggling with post partum depression, please reach out to someone - anyone! This is too serious and scary of an issue to continue to be ignored and shamed. It's a very real problem! Please feel free to reach out to me if you need. You are not alone!