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It has been a very long, very hard, 18 months. 18 months since I delivered my last baby and felt the weight of post partum depression descend and take root in the very core of who I am. Never before have I felt so unlike myself, even been scared of myself, truly realizing what my mind is capable of. There was a point last year when I read a story on the news about a mom who had driven her van, with her children inside, into the ocean. I saw all the nasty, judgmental comments on social media, the sharing of articles along with posts of "How could she do this?" and I wept. I wept because I was so close to being that woman. In the darkest days, I had driven around aimlessly with all the children in my van, just to get out of my house, and longed for a way to end it all. I wept because I understood. I wept because I knew the hurt, confusion, frustration, loneliness, and sheer desperation it takes to get to a place where something so tragic is a possibility. A very real possibility. And it is only by the grace of God I am here today, and I praise Him for that!

In answer to friends who have been asking about how things turned around, how I'm doing, etc., I finally have answers! After twelve months of my general practitioner and OB/GYN sending me back and forth to each other (both trying to get me on anti-depressants), trying and not being able to handle multiple anti-depressants, and a multitude of homeopathic alternatives attempted, I insisted on having blood drawn and every test possible being run. Along with the PPD, I was having countless physical symptoms that proved to me I wasn't crazy, that it wasn't all in my head. Well, I was so relieved when the tests came back with some answers: I had low iron, hyperthyroidism, and also a vitamin D deficiency. The last two are both known to contribute to/cause depression. So I started supplements and a round of prescription vitamin D and within four weeks, the depression was gone! I was, however, still struggling with all of my physical symptoms (hair loss, ache-y and fatigued, irregular cycles, pains being some of them) and so I kept returning to my doctors. Finally, 18 months after a baby, they were willing to believe there may be something else going on besides hormones trying to return to normal after everything they've been through the last five years. After an ultrasound, I was clinically diagnosed with endometriosis. (To be officially diagnosed, surgery is required which most doctors won't do unless necessary.) Turns out the symptoms of endometriosis lessen when pregnant or breast feeding which would explain why I hadn't been having these physical symptoms for the last 5 years! Unfortunately, there isn't a cure, but at least I have answers now and for that I am very grateful! My doctor now has me on monthly hormones which will hopefully control the symptoms. We still have to decide on how to treat this long term, but I feel so hopeful to know what is going on with my body!

I hope and pray that God will use my trial to encourage and help other women who are struggling. This was such a life changing experience and I can only pray that God will use it for good. I still struggle. Every day. Patience is not a strength of mine and with four little ones, it's kind of a necessity. But I know I'm not crazy now. I know I'm not alone. I know I serve a God who answers prayers and sees us through trials.

If you are struggling with post partum depression, please reach out to someone - anyone! This is too serious and scary of an issue to continue to be ignored and shamed. It's a very real problem! Please feel free to reach out to me if you need. You are not alone!